KILLING THE FEAR WITHIN
Monday, January 25, 2010
55 Fiction is a form of microfiction that refers to the works of fiction limited to a maximum of fifty-five words. I must say it is tougher than I thought it would be, nonetheless it was fun.
Monday, January 18, 2010
It was around 11 at night, he was marching across his room in a constant to and fro motion, his hands were sweaty, his mouth dry, he felt an intense knot growing in his stomach, he was much less nervous during the presentation he conducted earlier this morning and managed to make a huge sale for his company. He was happy and wanted to celebrate but he was in a foreign land, and was alone on the trip. He had bought a bottle of red wine, he was not exactly an expert on wines, so he went for the ‘if it’s expensive it must be good’ rule. Back in his room he eagerly took out the bottle and found a pamphlet attached to it. He took it out to find pictures of semi naked Caucasian women all over it, the heading said ‘HOT BABES TO SATISFY ALL YOUR DESIRES', a few phone numbers were scribbled at the bottom, the pictures did the rest of the talking. Initially he was amused but as they an empty mind is a devils workshop, he began wondering. He was a 38 year old, married for about 15 years with two kids, but for the past few years sex has been a rarity. On the few occasions when it actually did happen it was nothing more than a set of routine steps which he had mastered over the years, initially he did try to spice things up by suggesting new things but his wife was not open to experimentation, soon even he lost interest and the act of pleasure had all the pleasure sucked out of it.
Some nights he felt very frustrated and thought about exploring other option, but during those weak hours it was the fear of ignominy that stopped him from doing something drastic, what if he got caught, he would loose his wife, his kids and above all his reputation and respect he has earned through years of hard work. It was way too risky, too much was on stake but today he had a chance. He was in a foreign land where nobody knew him, all he needed to do was make a phone call and that’s it. He had all his amorous feelings bottled inside of him for years, he was not sure how long he could contain them, after all he was a man and he had his needs but he didn’t want his family to suffer just because he wanted the fulfillment of a few of his desires, now he had an opportunity to get it all out of his system without doing any damage, he couldn’t just let it go. After an hour long mental battle he was finally able to justify it to himself, than he made the toughest phone call of his life, ‘blondes or brunettes’, the man on the other side asked for his preferences, ‘blonde’ he replied, ‘tall or short’ ,the man enquired, ‘tall’ was all that he could mutter, ‘500 dollars cash’, the man said, he instinctively wanted to bargain but his negotiation skills were nowhere to be found and the only word that came to his mind was ‘ok’. So $500 was set, he gave the man the address of the hotel and his room number, ‘Amanda will be there in about an hour’, the man said and the call finally ended and he could start breathing again. Very soon he began to feel it was all too much for him to handle, he was getting too anxious, he needed alcohol, so after half a bottle of red wine here he was marching through his room. The bell rings, the wait finally ends, ‘Amanda’ was here.
‘Amanda’ was six feet tall, blonde as he had asked for, she had the figure of a goddess and the face of a doll, watching her magnificent form added to his anxiety and the knot in his stomach intensified, he realized he needed to puke, he ran to his bathroom, after ten traumatic minutes he came back to find ‘Amanda’ on the bed, ready for the act with two glasses of wine in her hand. This sight made matter worse for him. His whole body began shaking, he realized he could no longer stand, so he grabbed the table beside him for support, every cell of his body was screaming ‘NO’, apparently a man is not what he fascinates about, he is what he can do and to his surprise he was not the man who was willing to do this, he decided that he will give her the 500 dollars and then tell her to leave but he was completely unable to phrase it, he failed to find any word he was looking for, maybe the wine would help, he grabbed the glass from her and drank the whole thing in one gulp, he quickly made up his mind, took $500 from his closet, went back to her, gave her a smile and then fell to the ground unconscious. When he woke up ‘Amanda’ was gone and so were his belongings.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
FREE FALL:AN ATTEMPTED SUICIDE
It was a sunny morning, the bright sun provided for a beautiful sight but sadly very few people noticed it, most found it’s arrogant brightness slightly harsh and cruel. He was sitting in the balcony enjoying the beautiful morning, the heat was slightly uncomfortable but it did not bother him, he was not his usual agitated self, complaining about every little thing that went wrong in his life, he felt at peace with himself. I guess the knowledge of the future does that to people, the day had finally arrived 11th of February, he was apprehensive the night before but today he was sure like he had never been in his entire life, probably it was the effect of the date, it was the same date when it all began and he was going to end it today once and for all, the irony of the situation appealed to him. Life didn’t exactly turn out the way he had wanted it to, at least his death would.
The past few years had been disastrous for him, it’s been a free fall down to the dumps, after passing out of college he thought his life would take off but that just never happened, he tried hard to get a job for an year or so, then recession arrived and things went from bad to worse, he was disappointed but not disheartened because he never really wanted any job, he had an idea but he needed some financing, his father was reluctant. His mobile rang, ‘happy birthday kiddo, I am busy now will meet you in the evening’ the message said, it was his elder brother, the model son a his father would say, his brother did agree to give him 1 lac bucks but that wasn’t enough, he invested the money in the share market hoping to increase his capital, unfortunately not only did he loose all the money, he had a debt of 75,000, which he had not informed anyone about. There were other messages from his friends, none of them had called, they never really talked, it was way too awkward, most of them were married, they all had their professional lives, they were all quite successful and were on their way to becoming rich, occasionally he would bump into one of them on the road, they would have the formal chat but he found that little span of time unbearably condescending.
He was a bright student once, but the thought of the success that could have been his was too much to bear. ‘He is a very talented kid, he just needs to concentrate’, the teachers would say to his parents, he was once what every kid in the class wanted to be, but somewhere down the line he lost interest in everything remotely academic. The only thing good in his life was his girlfriend, she was the only one who trusted him but even she broke up with him 4 months ago and a week ago he heard she was getting married to one of the guys he went school with, who now worked for some IT firm, since then he had developed an unhealthy hatred against the IT guys. It was after this news that he had decided that he had enough and it was time he took pity on himself and ended his misery. He was 27 unemployed and still living with his parents, he couldn’t justify his living anymore.
His parents were awake now, mother wanted him to take a bath and say a little prayer, it was time to leave he decided, ignoring whatever his parents had to say he left his house. He reached the place he was born, in those days it was a small two storey hospital now it was a huge complex housing three modern buildings each catering to different parts of a human body, it was the sign of how the country has been developing and how he had somehow missed out, it was the symbol of his failure. He reached the terrace of one of the buildings, he never thought he would quit but he liked the fact that he could still surprise himself. When he was on the edge of the roof he realized something he did not know about himself, he was afraid of heights. All of a sudden he got frightened, he began having second thoughts, maybe he should give himself another year but before he could get carried away he got a hold of himself, he closed his eyes and thought about the happiest day of his life, the day he won the 100 meter race beating his champion elder brother for the first time, it was that day that he had realized he could achieve anything he put his mind to, he was calm once again, he felt his body go in a free fall, he heard a few voices but they all seemed very distant and soon faded in the background, he felt the sweet morning air hit his face and for the first time felt free in a several years, he felt like a kid again, crossing the finishing line.
Apparently a hospital is not the best place to attempt a suicide, a few people had seen him on the roof and had made a last minute attempt to save him, he did manage to survive but not before suffering a broken spinal cord, a crushed hip and hundreds of broken bones and fractures, he woke up to see the faces of his parents , brother and a pain so intense and excruciating he couldn’t believe a living man could bear, he was not sure what had happened but he knew he was in hell.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
It was one of those afternoons when I felt sleepy but was quite unwilling to sleep, so I decided to write something, anything that came to my mind without really trying to make up my mind or give a particular direction to my train of thoughts, writing without thinking, these are literally random thoughts. I liked what I read so I decided to post it.
Sometimes I just wonder how the two decades of my life have shaped , what strikes me the most here is the fact that how little of it was in my control, how much of it is already decided , fate some might say it but the idea makes me very uncomfortable. It’s a sick idea , shows the characteristic lack of imagination that is plaguing this modern world of ours , for the sake of arguments let’s just say there is this all powerful being called GOD who created this infinite universe of ours and for some reason decided to lavish all his attention on to us , the humble inhabitants of the minuscule planet Earth , why would he create so many characters give them the wonderful quality of intelligence and then decide every event of their lives , where is the fun in that don’t you think he would rather sit back and watch the plot grow ,he could decide a few things to keep the proceedings interesting but the entire story is as much of a surprise to him as is it is a suspense to us. What really worries me is the fact that how much of my life is governed by the prejudices of other people living or dead. Even before I was born my parents decided I am not supposed to have any siblings.
When I grew a bit older nature taught me to go for what I want, so I utilized whatever little resources I had , first I tried using my underdeveloped language skills to communicate with my parents, when that failed I tried squealing , crying, shouting initially I won but soon I learned I will not get everything I want , I will have to choose my battles . I was taught that obedience was a desirable trait and I should strive to attain it , which meant acting upon the wishes of the older members of the family , apparently my natural instincts were wrong, “We know what’s best for you “ I was told ,arguing was what I was not supposed to do, why should I argue, all it’s going to do is make me think, now nobody wants that , why must one think when everything has been decided by GOD all we need to do is abide by his wishes. A few years later I find myself in an institution called school, yet more people telling me what I should do , the books have some really amazing pictures , I find myself intrigued ,I am lost in them , I begin making imaginary stories about them but my thoughts are interrupted ,”Concentrate “ the teacher tells me ,why is the writers story more important than mine I ask myself, my interest in the book diminishing. Soon I realize that everything that I am going to study has already been decided and what I thought about it did not matter. Years later I find myself in an engineering college struggling to study what I really want to and in the process being forced to load my brain with all this unnecessary crap which I don’t remember a week after the exam. “Where is all this going?” I often find myself wondering but never seem to find a satisfactory answer no matter how much I contemplate on the subject, this uncertainty excites me the possibilities seem endless but what if there indeed is fate, the idea of future just an illusion and all these possibilities I see the byproduct of my deluded mind, these thoughts make me sick but then again they haven’t found a gene for fate yet so there is still hope and I have decided to cling on to it.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
It’s been a while since my last post, I guess I have been offline for rather long I see a few people have visited my blog during my absence and some have even written comments, well that’s always pleasant anyways thank you all for reading. Most of you have liked my stories, that’s a pleasant surprise and for those who weren’t satisfied there is always a next time. So Happy New Year to all and here is Random Story #4.
A HERO'S TALE
It’s a lazy winter afternoon and our hero is getting bored everyone else in the house is busy with an afternoon siesta but he being a 10 year old boy is bubbling with too much energy to engage in a similar act. He is getting increasingly restless , “what should I do?” our hero wonders. After a little brainstorming he decides to hit the neighborhood playground. He calls a few of his friends but apparently their mothers don’t think it is such a great idea, so our hero decides to go solo like heroes often do. The park was rather empty , “so, this is why our performance at the Olympics is so pathetic” our hero concluded. After a bit of wandering around he got bored and decided to visit the nearby mall to check out the new toys and maybe update his list of birthday wishes. As he was scanning through the toy store he saw something and his eyes brightened, on taking a closer look our hero realized it was a Rs.500 note.
What should he do now? Give it to the owner of the owner of the place, there was no one else around , ”but why should he get it ? it wasn’t his either and moreover he didn’t even let me touch the toys properly”, our hero thought of the new power ranger toy he could buy, his father had turned a deaf ear to this demand of his, “it’s too expensive and you always get bored and throw them away” he had said. But what about the fact that every other friend of his had one of these in their possession, he had resigned to the fact that his father will never understand and he was never going to get it but this was his chance to redeem himself infront of his friends to be the cool kid once again, our hero weighed the pros and cons and came to the most logical conclusion, “I am going to take the money”, the decision was made. Before anyone could see our hero picked it up, slipped it into his pocket and clandestinely fled the scene, not a very heroic exit one could say.
After our hero had made the list of the things he decided to buy with the 500 bucks he recently acquired he went ahead to buy the first thing on the list, his favorite ‘Dairy Milk’, as he was busy counting the money left a very old lady approached him with a semi naked 5 year old suffering from malnutrition beside her begging for money. The plight of the five year old moved our hero and he generously gave them 50 bucks, the old lady was surprised and elated at the same time, she thanked him a million times and wished for his well being, but our hero was surprised by the fact that how good this felt, so our hero radically decided to sacrifice the socially critical toy to help the beggars, they were easier to find then he had thought and within half an hour all his money was over.Our hero was ecstatic with the turn of events of the day, maybe even overjoyed. On his way home biting on the dairy milk he had bought he was sure he had never been more happy and content at the same time.
Our hero like most others was not blessed with good fortune. The place from where he got his beloved chocolate was a place his father frequented to buy cigarettes, the shopkeeper had returned our hero Rs. 10 less then what he should have, our hero was in a philanthropic spree and couldn’t have cared less but the shopkeeper was an honest fellow and gave the 10 bucks to his father and told him about the 500 rupees. Our hero’s parents had a quick meeting and they came to the conclusion that their son had stolen the money from somewhere, oblivious of this recent build up our hero was sitting in his room basking on his own glory. What followed is for you to imagine. All I could make out from the screaming and squealing was a hero’s fall from grace.